If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Children of the corn 🌽
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day