OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws