iPhone X
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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Camping tip: No.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?