Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I triple waxed for this?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.