Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Noah
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.