I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure