Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.