I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
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water it, i dare you
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
i hope my email finds you on fire
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.