Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
You Might Also Like
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)