Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me when i see my girls butt
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!