Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
You Might Also Like
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.