i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo