Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
This is me 🤣🤣
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security