I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.