Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
You Might Also Like
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4