[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Schrödinger’s cookie
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.