Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
#NeverForget
I don’t know what to do
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
How do you milk an almond?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?