Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Doug is just Canadian for dog
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend