i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
prepare for carbonated trouble
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog