Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
honestly, i need both: