Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
drew a comic about my origin story
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?