[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep