I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
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Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
congratulations to them
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.