Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
You Might Also Like
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The three genders
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads