I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.