My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.