The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
the council will decide your fate
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
…żyje?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please