Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
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Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.