Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
You Might Also Like
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*