*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
You Might Also Like
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.