My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
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Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”