My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow