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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
what’s more important?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.