If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.