my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
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Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
When libraries troll their patrons.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…