sliding into dms like
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
birds and squirrels envy us
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Living the best life.. 😊
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”