[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
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I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
There are no pants in heaven.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check