Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?