Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
A friend sent me this.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark