I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.