Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I can’t stop watching this.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.