I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
You Might Also Like
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Boom, boom, ching!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Good point.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.