People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
it be like that
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin