modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.