An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Bruh PLEASE
Saturday
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.