Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Had an epiphany today.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
This headline is a thing of beauty
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.