The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
At least my masseuse has my back.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.