me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
why would tinder want me to say this
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.