My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
me before I type out affect or effect
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Are you ok, human???
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.