Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
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my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?